Utetopia!
By Bob
1/11/2009 11:21:00 PM
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 Congratulations Utah on college football perfection. While Utes have a right to be upset that the corporate title and the total vote from 65 members of the media didn't go their way, they should take pride in an unmatched accomplishment. Tim Tebow has been ESPNelevated to superhuman status, but the Utes did something he and no one else did. Win their games. In retrospect, Utah may have gotten more attention and a higher ranking had they dropped a game to a lesser opponent and then had Quarterback Brian Johnson make a speech promising to play hard from then on. That Tebow has heart!
More and more knowledgeable fans are realizing that while the BCS Championship game winner gets a banner saying so, they're far from being an undisputed title holder. We could have saved a lot of trouble the last two seasons by only allowing the SEC to play football. If losses to less than stellar squads aren't going to be punished because the conference has great PR, there's really no point for others to try. This season saw Florida fall to a four-loss Mississippi squad. While the Rebels had a great season by Oxford standards, losing to Wake Forest, Vanderbilt, South Carolina and Alabama far from makes them a legitimate force. Therefore the Gators lost at home to an average opponent without penalty. They finished in a four-way tie for the second lowest number of losses in major college football and were widely declared as tops. A year earlier LSU won the BCS with a two loss record that included falling to five-loss Kentucky. The Tigers couldn't beat Kentucky, saw two teams finish with better records and a half dozen with the same number of losses, and they were deemed champs.
Something needs to happen and I don't think a playoff is the answer. The Utahs of the world would often get shutout of a playoff because SEC and other major conference teams with a couple losses would be deemed more deserving. What I envision is an easy fix. College football needs to look to the sport of boxing. Multiple widely recognized titles is the answer this year and every year. Right now four teams deserve championships, and no one deserves undisputed status. In years where a clear champ earns it, all belts go to that team.
Therefore, I’m honored to announce the winner of football’s PBS Championship. The inaugural season-ending Papa Bert Standings have Utah as the National Champions. Congratulations! The university should feel free to hang signs and banners declaring so, but just like the television network with the same moniker, you will be asked to pay. Texas won the SS (sippin' seat) National Championship. Southern Cal, congrats on being SDH (sneaky drinking headquarters) National Champs. Players and fans of these three schools may not be as thrilled as if they had the BCS or AP titles, but these initials can have the same power. Just like boxing, it only takes a short time for someone holding a new belt to have others lining up and wanting it. No disrespect to the Gators. They had a great season, but if you hold the title in one boxing organization, you're often ignored by the others. If you think college football being like boxing is ridiculous, realize it's already mainly in the hands of judges (pollsters/computers when no KO occurs) and cancel your ESPN pay per view package.
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Dolts Love the Bolts
By Bob
12/24/2008 2:57:00 PM
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 I have a friend I'll call Joe because that's his name. He's a San Diego Chargers fan yet I've never heard him refer to the team as the Chargers. It's always the Bolts. I blame Chris Berman and cringe every time I hear it. Here are some of the final NFL regular season weekend matchups in hopes of getting Joe to stop the nonsense and stop repeating what's on the helmet...
The Stars of Dallas at the Wings of Philly.
The Cleveland Orange visit the Pittsburgh Half Blanks.
The Chicago Tweezer C's at the Houston Cow Skulls.
The Catheads and the Birdheads (Jacksonville and Baltimore, not Carolina and Arizona or Seattle).
Joe, Hopefully I proved my point. Good luck Sunday when the Bolts battle the Horseheads for the division title.
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Best Non-BCS Bowls
By Bob
12/23/2008 12:00:00 AM
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 Bowl season has plenty of enticing matchups prior to the BCS games. Assuming the teams come to play, the following five are must sees...
1) Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State and Texas Christian
Everyone is talking about this one. An undefeated, high powered offense against a 10-2 squad that has held every opponent but Oklahoma to 14 points or less.
2) Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia and North Carolina
A defacto home game for the suddenly relevant Heels. The Neers have great skill players and both teams have been exciting most of the season. The only drawback to this one is the bowl name. Possibly the worst since the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl.
3) Chick Fil-A Bowl: Georgia Tech and LSU
Remember when everyone ran some type of option. In the current spread happy days it's refreshing to see how exciting a running attack can be. Don't expect many touchdowns from Paul Johnson's offense or from LSU's lack of any offensive consistency. Was Tech's win over Georgia a fluke or are the Jackets good enough to down another SEC defense.
4) Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force and Houston
The high powered Cougar offense will light up the air against the always potent Ground Force Falcons. If you like points, this is the bowl to watch.
5) PapaJohns.com Bowl: Rutgers and NC State
Both schools had their fans seeing red after hideous first halves of the season. Since, no two teams have been hotter. The Knights have been blowing people out and State has been rolling behind fabulous Freshman QB Russell Wilson.
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 There's a big problem with the three Heisman finalists. One is extremely undeserving of the honor. 2007 winner Tim Tebow was easily the most deserving candidate last year with a remarkable season featuring 55 touchdowns passing and rushing. If he brought this year's stats to New York a year ago, he would have left empty handed. Tebow has 1,100 less yards and 15 less touchdowns (passing and rushing) this year than last. He's also behind Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford in yards, touchdowns and toughness of division. Bradford has nearly 2,000 more passing yards than Tebow and only seven less rushing scores. He also has 13 more total scores and just two less than Tebow's award winning 2007 total. McCoy has almost 1,000 more passing yards (one less game) and slightly more rushing yards and overall touchdowns. In order to be a repeat winner, you should at least come close to repeating the previous year's performance. Give the statue to either Bradford or McCoy. They had better seasons in a much harder conference. The SEC was laughable this year. If you don't agree, you're paying as much attention as the Heisman voters giving Tebow a trip to New York. All three led their teams to one-loss seasons. If this were the three-way Big 12 South tie, Tebow is Texas Tech. Unfortunately, popularity does play a role just like the voting for seventh grade student council president. John Parker Wilson is the easy favorite in that race. He's got the haircut.
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Halfway through the 2008 campaign and Brett Favre deserves an Incomplete for his efforts with the Jets. His team is 5-3 and tied for the AFC East lead. He's tied for third in passing touchdowns, is first in interceptions and is middle of the pack in passer rating. But the "Incomplete" is mainly because I instituted a Favre boycott before the season started and therefore feel unqualified to have an opinion. The endless off season Favre talk forced me to do it and it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't watch any Jets games and turn the channel when his highlights are on. The boycott has been a lot easier to maintain than I imagined. I have had to skip a lot of Sportscenter and a couple of national games, but not hearing any more talk about the "greatest player ever" has been refreshing. By no means have I been able to totally escape Broadway Brett. There's a geek at my work who stood by the water cooler one day wearing wranglers and raving about six touchdowns.
Prior to the endless "Favre is the only story in sports" retiring/unreTIRING saga I was by no means a jersey wearing member of the 4's flock, but I did enjoy watching him play. Then the spotlight shined and the attention far outweighed his or anybody else's accomplishments. The weeks of praise/scrutiny of his career persisted because of the fact that career records are all about playing in a lot of games. Favre having the career good (touchdowns) and the bad (interceptions) merely points out that longevity is what is being celebrated more than the player's ability. Note Vinny Testaverde and Drew Bledsoe both top-ten in career passing. However, Favre is indisputably tops in one inspiring category. Along with Rush Limbaugh, they are the only people I can think of who achieved much higher salaries after pill addiction. Now that’s the stuff of legends.
While I can't grade Brett's 08 season, I can give the boycott experiment an "A+". I've since instituted one for Chris Berman. The self-serving star of the four-letter network has always made me shout four-letter words. He's such a D!@#. It's refreshing to never again sit through a segment called Two Minute Drill that takes five-and-a-half minutes. It was unfortunate that I wasn't able to hear his interview with John McCain and Bar-ack-ack-ack Obama. I'm sure Edward R. Murrow would have been impressed. While you do miss a few things with boycotts, the less-stress sports viewing is well worth it. I recommend you try the boycott too. Oh wait, you already did with the Phillies/Rays World Series.
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Best Conference To Bed
By Bob
10/20/2008 7:25:00 AM
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It's hard to escape all the best conference in the nation talk. It's an annual season-long discussion that generates countless television reports, radio talk rants and online posts. Who cares??? If you've ever chanted S-E-C instead of the name of your team you are D-U-M-B. A passionate Auburn fan would much rather see Bama winless instead of undefeated, despite the latter serving as some silver lining in a cloudy season.
I agree the Southeastern Conference is usually the best, but I disagree with what seems like the majority of the college football nation just blindly accepting it as so every year. This year, the Big 12 does have a great argument. With the Big 12 South having four of its six members in the top eight of the first Bowl Championship Standings of 2008, there should be no arguing the toughest division in the nation.
I point out the SEC because so many of its fans are extremely passionate about the best conference claim. It's the fans of the mediocre teams that whine the most about conference pride. "We're 6-6, but we play in the toughest conference." Guess what, you're 6-6 because you're not very good. "Our league bowl record is awesome." Wow, the 5th best SEC team beat the Sun Belt champ. Shocker! I'm sure Vegas had it as an even line. When Florida won the 2006 championship, they did, not the conference. Florida has the same number of titles in the last decade as two other schools in the sunshine state, and the Gators and Seminoles have two overall to Miami's five in the last 25 years. That makes history a pointless angle, while also solidifying Florida as the frontrunner to win the ever popular best state in college football discussion.
"But top to bottom?" Does anyone really believe the Wildcats, Gamecocks, Commodores, Volunteers, Razorbacks, Croomdogs, Rebels and Tubertigers are tough this year? None of those eight would be guaranteed a title if they switched conferences. At best they would bring another good but not great squad to the good but not great conferences. The ACC could take any of them and still be a league where it seems no members want the hassle of a conference title game appearance. If they all joined the WAC, Boise State would still be in the run for that conference's crown and would still be tough to beat on their home blue turf.
Where the SEC differs from the ACC, Big East and other lesser leagues is at the top. The Gators and Tide are clearly at the elite level this year, with LSU and the Richtdogs in the conversation while seeming to be on the second rung of the national ladder. But none of it matters because by year's end only one of them can possibly claim a crystal trophy named after whatever company can still afford to buy the BCS hardware naming rights. Besides, the best conference this year is clearly the Mid American. That's because Florida defeated the defending champion LSU Tigers, Ole Miss beat Florida, but lost to Wake Forest, who lost to Navy, which lost to Ball State. That's right, undefeated Ball State. M-A-C, M-A-C, M-A-C!!!
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Unconscious Collins
By Bob
10/13/2008 9:27:00 PM
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It's great to have Kerry Collins back as an NFL starter. I'm sure Titans fans are happy due to the undefeated start and they should all send Vince "Psycho V" Young a thank you. Collins has always been one of my favorites. It has nothing to do with his ability, but his drinking. Collins has the distinction of being one of the most hammered people I've ever seen at a college football game. It was early in his pro career at a University of South Carolina opener in Columbia. Collins was a Panther pup and hanging out with pro teammate and former Gamecock Matthew Campbell. Collins was a few rows in front of me when a guy from a couple rows back hollered out Hey Collins. Kerry wobbled around and with some WWE-type flexing shouted “How Bout Dem Panthurrrzzz.” Spit shrapnel reached two sections over. The crowd cheered and Kerry let out a grin. Every few plays during the first quarter-and-a-half he'd turn around, do his best Hogan and slur out another how bout dem. Each time the crowd cheered less and Collins laughed harder. This was in the pre-Papa Bert days and Collins had his beverage of choice in a plastic soda bottle. Midway through the second quarter Collins was escorted out of the section by his pals. Injured players need less support getting helped off the field. For Halloween that year I dressed as Collins...I put my hat on backwards and got smashed. Good times.
Now that Kerry's back in action (64-of-115 for 740 yards with 3 TDs and 3 INTs through week Six), it may be a while until he's back in the stands in the same state as many others and me. Hopefully by then Kerry will have found this website. That way he can be a little less obvious with his spirits. I know Collins claims to have put his drinking days behind him, but I doubt he'll be able to pass up the nice discount Papa Bert gives to those who have played Quarterback in the Super Bowl. Just ask Joe Namath or Suzy Kolber.
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What's Up Doc?
By Bob
9/15/2008 10:58:00 PM
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If you live in ACC Country, you’re lucky. Not only do you get to see the best conference in action each week, you get the best commentator in college football via the Raycom Sports ACC Game of the Week. Former Redskin Rick “Doc” Walker is one of a kind. Here is some of his insight while working the Clemson/NC State game:
“They’re starting to walk the dog up front for the baby Tigers. They’re pretty talented, they’re just young. They’re cutting their teeth, and right now they’re taking a bite out of the apple.”
“We need a field cam, turn the field into an aquarium. You’d see everything.”
“If they don’t get more points on the board, this dog ain’t gonna bring home the bacon.”
“Just run up in there man, like you’re trying to free a hostage.”
The ACC and Doc Walker…A Winning Tradition!
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No More Steve Spurrier
By Bob
9/8/2008 11:35:00 PM
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Thanks for the intro Papa Bert! I am glad to be part of the team!
I wanted to write a thank you note to the Vanderbilt Commodores, but too lazy to look for an address and being a longtime user of the Papa Bert Sippin’ Seat I figure here is a good place to send my regards. Great win over South Carolina! Hopefully it will send a message to the powers at ESPN to quit putting the Gamecocks on Thursday so often. Back to back to start the season, why? Actually we all know why…Steve Spurrier.
The Ball Coach is hands down the most overrated in college football, and why there seems to be such widespread agreement over his greatness is dumbfounding. I know he won at Duke, but the ACC has never exactly been the pinnacle of performance, especially currently (kudos Tommy Bowden). He did have an amazing run at Florida, but most coaches would have. Urban Meyer has practically equaled his success in only a few seasons. Meyer has the national title but trails in SEC championships. That’s one of the problems with Spurrier. He’s the Bobby Cox of football. All those times he won the mighty SEC and his only national championship was as undeserved as the praise being given to Sarah Palin (shagable shouldn’t be the main reason you’re picked as VP nominee). The 96 Gators got a rematch with a Florida State team that had already defeated them. Their bowl victory was therefore worthy of only the co-state championship. I now reside in northern Virginia and it’s nice to be in an area where there’s no shortage of Skins fans ready to point out Spurrier’s flaws.
The Gamecocks dropped the ball when they hired Steve. The other USC continues to mistakenly believe past greatness elsewhere is the best shot at future success in Williams-Brice Stadium. Spurrier is Lou part two. The university needs to focus on finding a young assistant that can stay a spell and finally give the most loyal fans in the nation the wins they crave. Georgia looks really wise for hiring Mark Richt so why don’t the Gamecocks take a shot on a Patrick Nix (now OC at Miami), or a Charlie Strong (DC at Florida, has been with the cocks)? Instead, they go the corpse route. The school should have considered looking at the man responsible for their latest defeat. Bobby Johnson has been respectable in one of the most challenging jobs in college football. Johnson would make an attractive candidate because he’s a South Carolina native and was fabulous as the top man at Furman. He did play at Clemson, but Spurrier was also the enemy once and now there’s countless around Columbia sporting visors and not going to bowl games.
Another problem with Johnson may be the fact that he runs a clean program. Spurrier appears to believe the any news is good news mantra and recruits the most upstanding individuals. If you can’t win on the field, at least make waves with the police blotter. Johnson would also put the team and university ahead of his own ego, which couldn’t possibly have been welcome after Holtz. So, the Cocks have Spurrier, and he’s convinced he’s not to blame for delivering exactly what he was hired not to do. It’s probably too late for Johnson anyway. Clemson may be calling by year’s end.
Thank you so much Vandy for hopefully opening a few eyes about the Bill Parcells of the college ranks. Media-made coaching legends should be banned along with celebration flags (no, I’m not a Husky fan). Hopefully ESPN will be wary of more Gamecock appearances on Thursday and will instead opt for an Erin Andrews special. Now she would make a great Vice President.
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